The Perfect Name

I have always wanted to do a Blog. At first, it was something I wanted to do to document the happenings of my family ... to post pics of my kids and all of the fun things they are doing and to show family and friends how they are growing up. But, over the past few months, I've felt called to write about more than my kids. Don't get me wrong. My kids are the apple of my eye and I love them more than words can express, but I have also come to love Jesus more than words can express, and want to share with others the incredible things he is done in my life, along with cute things about my kids, of course :)  Let's face it, without Jesus, I would not have children. I wouldn't have a husband, a home, food on my table, a bed to sleep in at night. I would have NOTHING. To Him, I owe all thanks and praise!

The loves of my life :)

First things first, let me explain the name of my blog. You may have heard the song, "Love the Way you Hold Me."  It is by Jamie Grace (check her out on You Tube. She is great).  In the song, she is singing to Jesus the words, "I love the way you hold me."  The title seemed so fitting, as He has held me so closely, especially over the past few months. Caleb also loves this song, and knows most of the words!!! When I sing it, I, too, sing it as a love song to my Lord and Savior, but the words are also fitting for me as a mom.  I love the way my kids hold on to me ... the way I hold on to them. So, as the title says, my writings here will reflect on my walk as a mommy & wife, and my walk with God.

I grew up in a Christian home, and always went to church, but I never really put God first.  I always thought being a good person was enough, and as long as I was nice to people, I would get into Heaven.  I now know that is not enough.

In high school and college, it was all about friends and fun. Life was great (so it seemed). I had everything I could have ever imagined.  After I got married, however, I started feeling God's presence more. And, then when I had my firstborn child, I really opened my eyes to God's love. He had given me this beautiful baby to take care of for Him.  What an amazing gift to be a mother!  I am so thankful to God for that!  Soon before Caleb was born, though, an unexpected curve ball was thrown into my life when my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.  I was upset with God at the time. Why, I asked. This was suppose to be the best time in my life. I was going to have my firstborn child, and now my mom had cancer.  How could this be? But, rather than turning my back on God, I turned toward him.  I began seeking Him, really truly seeking Him, for the first time in my life. Then, in January 2010, I found out I was expecting a second child ~ and soon learned I would have a beautiful daughter.  Through both my pregnancies, mom fought cancer.  It was the most joyous time of my life, but also one of the most difficult.

The last picture taken of mom and I on her 56th 

birthday ~ June 18, 2011

On June 30, 2011, my beautiful mom went to Heaven after her 2 year 3 month fight against this horrible awful disease.  I lost my best friend. She wasn't suppose to go yet. She was a new grandma who would never get to know her grandchildren. She had five children of her own, three whose weddings she will never attend.  Her youngest daughter, only 16 years old. Yes, it is so hard to understand, but I don't think we are meant to understand everything in life. Of course I am sad. Of course I miss her dearly and think about her every single day. Of course I will always miss her.  But am I mad at God? No, most definitely not.

Toward the end of mom's life, and even more in the past few months, Jesus has been my rock.  He has carried me through some of the toughest of times. His love pours out to me. I am His daughter whom he loves so dearly. I feel his presence every single day as I see my children smile, hear them laugh, look up to the sky and feel my mom looking down on me, or bow my head in prayer and know He hears me. I could go on and on and on.  God is with me every single minute of every day.

Do I think it's fair that my mom left this Earth at 56 years old? No, I don't, but the Bible never promised us life would be fair or easy. But, I do know that as long as I put my trust in Him and look to Him at all times, not just when the going gets tough, but all of the time, everything will be okay.  I used to just turn to Jesus when I needed something. I would ask for His help when times were tough, but I now realize that's not the way it should be. Think about it this way. If you had a friend who only turned to you when they needed something, would you really feel like helping them out. Probably not as much. I think it's the same with God. While he loves all of his children dearly, he's probably more apt to be close to us if we are close to Him ALL of the time.  James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." Makes perfect sense to me.

Through my difficult times this year, God has put many amazing people in my life to help lift me up ~ angels if you will. One of them is Jenny Hanson from my Bible Study. Jenny lost her dad about a year ago and understands the pain that comes with the loss of a loved one.  She recently gave me a devotional book and marked one page with the words, "Love you, Leanna." Wow, those words are powerful. I'd like to include an excerpt from "Life Loved" by Max Lucado. The title of this reading is Problems Have a Purpose:

      God will use whatever he wants to display his glory. Heavens and Stars. History and nations. People and problems. My dying dad in West Texas.
      The last three years of his life were scarred by ALS. The disease took him from a healthy mechanic to a bedbound paralytic. He lost his voice and his muscles, but he never lost his faith. Visitors noticed. Not so much in what he said but more in what he didn't say. Never outwardly angry or bitter, Jack Lucado suffered stately.
       His faith led one man to seek a like faith. After the funeral this man sought me out and told me. Because of my dad's example, he became a Jesus follower.
       Did God orchestrate my father's illness for that very reason? Knowing the value he places on one soul, I wouldn't be surprised. And imagining the splendor of heaven, I know my father's not complaining.
       A season of suffering is a small assignment when compared to the reward.
       Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it. Ponder it. And most of all, use it. Use it to the glory of God ....
      Your pain has a purpose. Your problems, struggles, heartaches, and hassles cooperate toward one end - the glory of God.

Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us. ~ Daniel 3:17

As I read this devotional the first time, I wept.  The words described my mom so vividly. To me, the reading was written about her.  Throughout her fight, she never once turned her back on the Lord. She never was mad or upset with Him.  She knew her pain had a purpose.  Did she bring people to God who watched her suffer? I have no doubt. I was one of them.  What an amazing woman she was.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a wonderful mother.  I pray that you guide me as I raise my children following her example ~ to love You and put You first at all times.  Amen.